Why Do I Push People Away? Attachment Styles Explained

Have you ever caught yourself retreating just as things are progressing positively with someone? Perhaps you long for intimacy, yet when it arrives, a sense of fear grips you. You may experience feelings of being overwhelmed, frustrated, or unexpectedly question the entire relationship, and before you realize it, you’re distancing yourself from the other person.

You aren’t damaged. You are a human being. Frequently, this type of behavior can be linked to what are known as attachment styles, profound patterns we develop in our childhood that influence how we bond (or find it difficult to) with others in adulthood.

Why Do YOU Push People Away?

It might be because of

·       Fear of Vulnerability- “I'll get hurt if I open up.”

·       Fear of Rejection- “They’ll see the real me if they get too close and then they’ll leave.”

·       Feeling Unworthy- “I'm not lovable enough for them to stay.”

·       Emotional overwhelm- “ I feel trapped in the closeness, it makes me panic.”

You are not bad or broken; these fears make you human, which can also be unlearned.

Let's explore what attachment styles are, how they manifest in your relationships, and why you may be pushing people away, even when your desire is for intimacy.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles originate from initial interactions with caregivers—how they addressed your needs, provided comfort, or failed to do so. Psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth created this theory to illustrate how early interactions influence adult relationships.

The 4 main styles are:

1.     Secure

2.     Anxious

3.     Avoidant

4.     Disorganized

1. Secure Attachment- Comfortable With Closeness

The people who are comfortable with intimacy and are also okay with being on their own. They are generally direct, open, and honest in relationships.

They don’t push people away because they believe that relationships are stable and safe.

Example- “Hi, I'm not feeling well, can we talk?”

If you're questioning why you distance yourself from others, you likely don't naturally adopt this approach, but it's definitely something you can develop with self-awareness and effort.

2. Anxious Attachment- Afraid of Being Left

The people who really want a connection but are afraid of being abandoned, which causes them to push people away. They push people away to test them. They're afraid of being left alone, so they push people away to test them, or pull back being left alone, so they push people away to test them, or pull back before they can leave.

Example- Love Bombing, sending multiple messages but going silent when they don’t get a fast response, assuming the other person left.

It’s not about being “excessive”—it’s about shielding yourself from the hurt you’ve learned to anticipate.

3. Avoidant Attachment- Want Space, Not Closeness

The people who value independence to the level that the closeness feels smothering, find emotional intimacy uncomfortable or even threatening. They push people away as being vulnerable feels risky. They would rather stay by themselves, in control, than risk being hurt.

Example- avoid deep conversations, cancelling plans, or being overwhelmed by the closeness.

It’s not that you lack concern—you’ve simply realized that connection frequently involves conditions, stress, or a lack of independence.

4. Disorganized Attachment- The Push-Pull Struggle

The people who might need someone very desperately, and then push them far away. This often arises from early relationships that were traumatic, erratic, or neglectful. They want love, but it feels too dangerous to have; that’s why they push people away.

Example- lash out at someone who is trying to get close, then regret later, or might open up to someone, then push them away and disappear.

It’s not your fault, it's a learned survival strategy.